Peter Bodo: Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall

leftys_rock · Peter Bodo: Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall

Steggy from the mods on the blog wrote this, thought it was funny:

Link: http://tennisworld.typepad.com/tennisworld/2006/10/alteregos.html
Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall..
Posted 10/08/2006 @ 10 :25 PM

[Ed. Note: Farmer Pete is in Andes until Tuesday, mowing hay and entertaining his in-laws. Please direct all flames to Steggy.]

Some hobbies are a guilty indulgence. I freely admit to spending a few hours each day trolling the gossip columns and getting the latest dish on Hollywood's finest. Who wouldn't enjoy dabbling in the publicist-leaked lives of these wanton creatures? Even our respected leader is not immune to their sordid charms; on Friday, Pete admitted in hushed tones that he reads Page Six daily. Tsk-tsk!

He confided this little gem of a fact while giving out my latest assignment -- to match up tennis players with their celebrity alter-egos. Without further ado, here's my Top-14. After all, why stop at just 10?

AlteregosRoger Federer: So suave, cool, polished, primped, and perfect. The Rajah makes both men and women melt with a single glacial, European glance. This one's a no-brainer; there's only one H-town star that has all of these same qualities -- George Clooney. George has come a long way from his Facts of Life handyman days. Currently, he is stumping for every do-gooder cause from here to the Sudan. Could Federbear be the next "We Are the World"? Only time will tell..

Amelie Mauresmo: Amelie is so very, very French. I think it is to her credit that the only celeb I could think of to match her quiet, modest ways is Julie Delpy. Delpy is best known stateside for her portrayal of Constance in 1993's The Three Musketeers. She was, to put it lightly, luminous on the big screen. Since then, Delpy has spent her time working in the indie film scene and staying away from the Robertson Boulevard pack of wolves. Like her French, tennis-playing counterpart, Delpy has succeeded on her own terms.

Rafael Nadal: Juan-Jose, this one is for you. To be like Rafa requires much of an actor. He must be athletic, swarthy, and versatile. He must also possess a certain joie de vivre, a childlike love of playing in the dirt and bouncing on beds (not to mention nibbling on his trophy collection). Who better to do all of this than Lou Diamond Phillips? While Lou is best known as Jose Chavez y Chavez in Young Guns, his resume is, in truth, far more comprehensive. Vamos, Lou!

Justine Henin-Hardenne: There is only one actress who has equalled JHH's ability to combine talent, drama, and hypochondria, and that woman is Elizabeth Taylor. A big screen legend, La Liz's life has had it's ups and downs during the past 60 years. Like JHH, Taylor was talented from an early age and has suffered from more ailments than one could shake a stick at. These two women also share a passion for charity works. The only thing that JHH needs to surpass Taylor is.. eight more husbands. Better get busy in the off-season, Justine.

Andy Roddick: Roddick is the classic, average good-time guy next door. Can't you just imagine Andy getting stoned in his expansive lakeside home and banging on some bongos al fresco? Or how about swilling some cheap beer while tooling around on the water in his Big Boy Boat? Thus, who better to be his alter-ego than fellow Austinite Matthew McConaughey?

Maria Sharapova: They're both tall, blond, and famous. Both are worth millions in advertising dollars. Each has been overexposed by the media since their respective coming-out parties. Both of these ladies have a knack for self-promotion and image projection. Don't kid yourself, Paris Hilton knows exactly what she's doing and she is very, very good at doing it -- as does Maria. As an added "similarity" bonus, both of these girls have alledgedly been seen playing tonsil hockey with Andy Roddick. Consistency, thou art a jewel.

Lleyton Hewitt: Once upon a time, a rugged-looking fellow decided to shack up with the Girl Next Door. She was your ultimate best Friend. They were together for many years and seemed to have the perfect relationship. Then, one day, they abruptly decided to separate. Two months later, the guy was tarred and feathered by the media for dumping the fan's favorite girl and knocking up a well-known actress. The actress is Angelina Jolie and the guy is Brad Pitt.

Kim Clijsters: Once upon a time, a rugged guy dumped the Girl Next Door for a younger, sexier version. Our golden girl went into seclusion and comported herself with dignity, crying her little ditched heart out to Oprah Winfrey and W magazine. After a long, self-induced bout of singlehood, she emerged at the French Open with a happy 'tude and a new dude. That girl is Jennifer Aniston.

Marat Safin: Who would *you* cast to play The Cap'n in your movie? For my money, look no further than Johnny Depp if you ever need someone to play the quirky schizophrenic. Depp's career and skills have been wildly unpredictable but laudable. From 21 Jump Street to the genius of Finding Neverland, Depp has done it all with flair and his own style. Extra bonus footage: Both men are arresting of face and physique, especially when kitted out with a pirate hat and a killer smile. Yarr!

Nicole Vaidisova: Take one clone-like tennis-playing blond baseliner who happens to be slightly less talented than her elder counterpart. Add in a friendlier aspect, less advertising dollars, and half as much media exposure. Mix on medium setting until combined. The end result should closely resemble Nicky Hilton. Nicky is far more reserved than her elder sister, to the point where she dyed her hair brown during the height of the A Night in Paris sex tape scandal. Come to think of it, Vaidisova wouldn't look half-bad as a brunette.

Marcos Baghdatis: Ah, who couldn't love this cuddly, scruffy man of Greek origin? He has an eternal youth and megawatt smile than no amount of age could mar or dim. Perhaps the only celeb who would do Marcos justice is fellow Grecian John Stamos. Curiously, while Baghdatis hails from Cyprus, Stamos is also originally from Cypress.. California, that is.

Serena Williams: There is only one woman who can out-diva Serena, and that's the phenomenally talented Mariah Carey. Both are blessed with five-alarm figures and an attitude to match. Both have deceived themselves into thinking they can act (remember Glitter? *shudder*) and are larger than life in the careers they've chosen. However, ladies, please stick to what you know. That way, Roger Ebert can live another week without thumbing you down.

David Nalbandian: There was a time that the world of women fawned over Val Kilmer. He destroyed us with his goofiness in Real Genius. He made us melt during the volleyball scenes, as the Iceman, in Top Gun. Look to your right, ladies, and see what has become of our blonde demi-God. Yes, that picture has not been Photoshopped. David, please take this as a warning: This could be you in twenty years.

Patty Schnyder: Girl meets Boy. Girl runs off with Boy without parent's permission. Girl is introduced to Boy's "religion". Girl suddenly develops an obsession with homeopathic remedies. Parents plan intervention. Girl finally sees the light of day after several prenuptial agreement drafts. The Boy is Tom Cruise, and the Girl is Katie Holmes. Go, Xenu! *nanu-nanu*

Ok, I'm done. Y'all have any others you'd like to add? Smile

--steggy

stevos14

Idiotic. Well, a couple were okay, but Paris Frickin Hilton, and Nicki Hilton? Those girls have NO talent, just a rich daddy and some looks (hardly). And WTH is Julie Delpy??

PSALT

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julie_Delpy

stevos14

Ok, I know she is an actress, but not that interesting of a comparison.

PSALT

I love the Schynder-Holmes one, something seems a little "off" in both cases, in Katie's case is is a mentally ill husband, not sure about Schynder.

J-man

Intresting for lack of better words. I don't like that Paris Hilton comparison with Sharapova. All Paris has is looks. But she is nothing else compared to Sharapova

leftys_rock

x.doublea

Obviously he had a lot of time in his hands to write this... I much prefer the PC-Mac comparison he did a few months back...